Learning To Be Happy In A Loveless Marriage: Is This Even Possible? If So, How?

Learning To Be Happy In A Loveless Marriage: Is This Even Possible? If So, How?

I recently received an email from a wife who described her marriage as “loveless.” However, she told me that she had two children whom she would never dream of putting through a divorce or forcing to grow up in a single parent home. So, she knew that divorce was never going to be an option for her. Still, she could not help but feel that everyone deserves some happiness and some love in their life. So, she wanted my advice as to how she could “find happiness” even within the confines of what she had described as a loveless marriage. I will share with you the advice that I gave her in the following article.

Starting In The Beginning: Was The Marriage Always Loveless?: To start, I wanted to know if she had always felt that this relationship was lacking in love. She told me that there had always been loving feelings. She had a huge deal of respect and affection for her husband. However, she admitted that she hadn’t felt that “passion” or “spark” that she had for other men that she had dated before she met her husband. But, she chose to be with and marry her husband because she knew that he was a stable, high quality person of integrity and that he would make a phenomenal father.

And he HAD made a wonderful father. And, she said that most times her was a pretty decent husband. To me, he sounded like a stand up guy and the fact that they had two children said that obviously, they’d had some regular sex life at some point in the marriage. Knowing this, I wanted to get to the point where things started to change. Because, I hated the thought that this very nice and deserving woman was not excited about and energized by her life. It sounded to me like there were two deserving people who loved their families and who both desperately wanted to be desired and adored by the other person living in that house. So, wouldn’t it make sense to set it up so that they could find this in the other?

Of course, the wife was resistant to this. She felt strongly that she was never going to feel passionate or “in love” with her husband again. She was willing to accept this and she just wanted to find a way to be happy within this life. I strongly felt that she could have all of these things – personal happiness and a fulfilling and genuinely loving relationship – with her husband. Yes, it would require a bit of work and it would require for her to abandon her comfort zone. But, I’ve seen marriages left for dead rebound countless times.

Deciding To Try To Change Your Loveless Marriage: I really wanted for the wife to begin to become open to the idea that, with work and an open mind, there was no reason that this relationship could not transform. In truth, this is what happened previously, when things began to trend downhill. I asked the wife to recount for me how much “alone” time she spent with her husband in an attempt for the two of them to reconnect and to build upon the respect and affection that already existed between them.

She admitted that currently, there was “absolutely none.” Their children bonded them and so they focused entirely on the kids. The wife admitted to me that “without the kids, there would be nothing.” I responded to her that there was a couple before the kids, so there could certainly be a couple again, but she had to make this a priority.

However, I agreed with her that she deserved individual happiness. In the same way that she had placed her marriage on the back burner, she had also placed herself in last place. It had been years since she had attended a play, knitted a project, or went to a book club meeting with her friends – which were all things that she enjoyed very much before she got married. Somewhere along the way, she had lost herself. Likewise, her husband had placed himself upon a neglected shelf as well.

I often tell people that they can not give another what they do not here. That was absolutely true in this case. She could not project love and passion because she did not possess it for herself and in her life right now. I knew that focusing on her marriage was going to seem too intimidating, so I first advised her to focus on her own happiness. I wanted for her to give herself permission to be “selfish” and to make the time for those things which would bring her joy. I wanted for her husband to do the same. I told her that the two of them could swap babysitting. They both loved spending time with their children, so this would benefit everyone involved.

I strongly believe that once both of them are able to resume their passion and zest for life by enjoying the things that makes their individual lives rich, then they would have much more to give the other and would be in a much more conducive state of mind to do so. Once the two of them are gelling on a personal level, we’ll then turn to their marriage but this is going to be a gradual process.

The good news is that no one has to settle for individual or marital unhappiness. You’re only stuck in this fate when you do nothing to improve it. You know, deep down, what it takes to make you happy as an individual. You just need to give yourself permission to do more of it. This will ultimately benefit those you love because you will be in a much more conducive place to love and give more to them.

Unfortunately for me, I ignored a lot of these signs of apathy from myself until it was almost too late. I just told myself that we were “comfortable” rather than accepting that we were growing apart. This almost cost me my marriage. Luckily, over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back our love. It took me a long time to realize that we both deserved better. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

Leslie Cane’s blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others.

Learning Centered Education – Encouraging Student Responsibility For Learning

Learning Centered Education – Encouraging Student Responsibility For Learning

Accepting responsibility for their own learning can be a significant challenge to students. This is especially a problem if they have grown up in a school system that had an emphasis on objective testing against nation-wide standards. in that kind of learning environment it is commonplace to have teachers teach the test and focus on baseline level practice that translate well into multiple choice tests. Overcoming the economic incentives for this style of teaching is nontrivial.

It is a fair question to ask why bother? Why should a teacher who’s looking to make a living buck the system to encourage students to take more responsibility for their own learning? if the school system in question has a history of lecturer based instruction this approach will be unpopular with both faculty and students as well as an administration which will equate standardized test performance with uninterrupted funding.

The short answer, of course, is that the modern world doesn’t really care about our objective tests and are sources of funding but actively rewards those who take the initiative and personal responsibility to develop an inquisitive habit of mind. 30 years ago it was all very well for the education system to beat all signs of individuality out of our students, and support the industrial ages need for a compliant and obedient worker drone population. Even if that was ever a good and decent goal, which I doubt, the future demands freethinking creative and critical thinking individuals who can help us all navigate through an ocean of complexity.

The problems facing our world do not lend themselves to simple solutions by the simpleminded. Brute force and ignorance have gotten us this far, which seems to be on the edge of a cliff looking into oblivion. It will take creativity and critical thinking in the combined power of millions of freethinkers to pull us back from the edge.

It begins in the educational system in every classroom with problem-based instruction and a respect for diversity and multiple points of view. Encouraging teamwork and collaboration will help us build the kind of interconnected society of citizens who genuinely care for and rely upon each other.

Ken Long, Chief of Research, Tortoise Capital Management
finance: http://www.tortoisecapital.com
essays: http://kansasreflections.wordpress.com

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Learning About Annuities And Annuity Quotes

Learning About Annuities And Annuity Quotes

Many people have heard about annuities but really do not understand what they are all about. If you are one of those people perhaps this article will be of some assistance. Annuity quotes are from an insurance company telling you what your income from the annuity would be depending on the type selected.

If you want to have some extra money, when retirement time rolls around, and you want to have the money you invest earn interest without paying taxes perhaps this may be the type of investment you would be interested in. There are lifetime and short term annuities available.

Annuities are written by insurance companies who must be licensed by the state. They offer you a contract which will give you an income on money you invest. This requires that you make an initial lump-sum payment, deposit, premium, investment or contribution which will earn interest. There are a number of different annuities to fit many situations.

First, there is no limit to the amount of money you can put into this fund. There are fixed annuities and variable annuities. The fixed annuities can be broken down into immediate and deferred. In other words, an immediate annuity will start paying you immediately and a deferred puts off paying until a date you indicate.

Deferred annuities are further broken down into Fixed Index, Multi-Year Guarantee Rate and Traditional Fixed. The way the interest is compiled differs with each one. Variable annuities have a stock market portfolio and there is no guarantee regarding the amount of interest earned. It can be very high or very low.

The most important thing, when considering making an investment of this kind, is to contact the prospective company and discuss with them exactly what you want to accomplish. Do you want to have more income at retirement? Do you want a short term or a life term policy? Do you want a death benefit so that if you pass away your heirs receive what is left in the fund? These are all questions that need to be answered.

It must be remembered that the rate of return depends entirely on the type of product chosen. Some, such as variables have a fee attached that is charged with each portfolio transaction. One advantage that many people find is that you do not have to pay taxes on the interest earned until it is withdrawn. Also the funds are paid out as agreed in the contract.

Some people who have 401Ks or IRAs when they retire roll this money over into an annuity as they will not have to draw it out at a certain time as those investments require. It can stay in the fund and earn interest until you decide you want to start drawing on the policy.

People who are still working sometimes have a monthly amount deducted from their paycheck and paid directly into an annuity account. This allows the money to earn interest and build up until they are ready to stop working. This usually amounts to a considerable sum and helps greatly with their income upon retiring.

All you need to know about annuities and annuity quotes in the UK now in our complete guide to find a top UK annuity on http://www.annuitycentre.co.uk

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