Suggested Friday ritual for a 49-year-old:
4:30–Get on FB to see what everyone’s doing tonight
4:45–Tell self, "Just need to check a few more online stories."
5:00–Post, "I gotta get off the computer now, to get ready."
5:15–Say to self, "I should pay bills online first, to know how much money I really have for going out." Decide that’s a very foolish course of action, and decide against.
6:00–Still on computer, haven’t showered or gotten ready to go out
6:10–Turn on iron, (making progress!) turn on TV, "just to see what’s on."
6:15–Iron turns itself off. TV does not. Ponder this. Hate iron. Hate TV. Hate self.
6:30–"You know, I used to think Entertainment Tonight was a lame show, but tonight it is quite fascinating." Self loathing accelerates.
6:50–Note the layer of dust on the glass end tables. Despise self wholeheartedly.
6:45–"Boy, it sure gets dark early nowadays. Crime probably escalates after Daylight Saving Time change-over." Contemplate staying in.
7:00–Realize how chilly it is tonight. "Maybe I don’t need to be going out. After all, it’s supposed to get down to fifty! One can never be too careful."
8:00–Someone who still has a pulse and the force of life within them posts from their smart phone, "Where are you?"
8:01–Drumming fingers on desk, trying to think of some lie.
8:05–Have not replied at all. I don’t have a smart phone. They know I don’t have one, so they will know I’m still at home. "Maybe if that person is going to use their smart phone to BADGER me, maybe we don’t have that much in common. Maybe we don’t need to be friends."
8:30–Wave away persistent, nagging thought, "I am a DUD! A first-class DUD."
9:00–Console yourself with thoughts of what you will do Saturday night, to make up for being such a total human SLUG Friday night.
9:01–Realize that if I didn’t work Saturday nights, I would be indoors, just like on Friday nights. Check pulse, to see if I’m alive. Regrettably, I am, so death cannot be used as an excuse for these behaviors! LOL
9:45–Marvel that yahoo news stories ofen number 65 to 70, and marvel that I feel compelled to read them all. Science, sports, politics, vapid lives of celebrities.
10:00–Sit down to watch the "news" on TV, even tho’ I’VE BEEN ONLINE FIVE HOURS and already know the news.
11:00–Go to kitchen for a bite, and note how filthy the house is.
11:30–Turn off TV. Brush teeth. Walk past computer. Call computer an assorment of colorful names. Go to bed.