Welcome to "the hat chronicles" Season 3 – Episode 1:
he’s been training folks. he’s been studying too. he’s got some new gear and he’s not going to leave a fedora unturned… the cowboy is back! paybacks a bitch, isn’t it?
Welcome back everyone for Season Three of the Hat Chronicles. The third season of the hat chronicles starts…… NNNNNNNNow!
Since I’m the narrator for this story, I largely get blamed if things suck around here. I wanted to make up for season two ending abruptly. So I decided to go up to Heaven to kick off season three.
I reached the pearly gates in no time. When I got there Moses was waiting with the Holy Spirit shining his shoes waiting for me to arrive. The following conversation ensued:
narrator: "Wow cool hi Moses. I’m not trying to be a dick, but how come God didn’t come out to greet me too?"
Moses: "Silence! This isn’t an after school special young man. We send who is available. The Holy Spirit is here too and he gives great back rubs. Isn’t that good enough?"
Narrator: "Honestly I always wanted to meet you Moses. But no one cares about the Holy Spirit. Not even church goers seem to mention him except during that one stupid prayer. He’s like the red headed step child of all of God’s main club members. Plus he’s talking on his iPhone right now and not even paying attention to me. He’s a fraud."
Moses: "You’re verbage is that of ill-wit and speaks from lack of experience. That’s not a regular iPhone young man, that is a holy iPhone. It’s been blessed with holy water."
narrator: "and it still works??"
Moses: "We don’t have time to discuss the specifics of our holy water young man. God says it’s blessed so that makes it holy and that means it’s superior to any water you have ever known, okay? Now do you see the line of people behind you? What can we do you for?"
narrator: "Well Moses I don’t want to stick around. I’m not staying. I’m having one of those
afterlife after-pimp experiences that happens when you view his photos for too long. In fact my body is passed out by my computer down on earth right now"
Moses: "We get a lot of people here at the pearly gates in the middle of an after-pimp experience. You are the first to be male though."
narrator: "Um, yeah. This is different. I need to ask a favor of you."
Moses: "If this has anything to do with getting me to do me to do that falling to the floor evangelist Christian impersonation, God told me to stop doing it in public. It causes too much of a stir. I guess I could abee………"
Holy Spirit (interupting…): "…….hey amigo, I have a holy sombrero hat. i give to you no problem. you want to wear i give to you"
narrator (looking at Moses): "Why does the holy spirit sound like a Mexican strawberry field worker?"
Moses (with eyes up in the air): "Listen young soul, what do you need of us here in Heaven? Your time is running out."
narrator: "Okay. Here it goes. I just want you to give me someone or something to make this new season of hat chronicles interesting. Can you help Moses?"
Moses: "Hmmmm. I can part with the Holy Spirit. Would you like to take him? He makes good burritos!"
narrator: "Come on Moses stop being funny! That’s really fucked up. Please!"
Moses (giggling): Jesus always tells me to try pawning him off first before committing miracles. I had to try! Now hmmmm. I know. I have the perfect person for you. He lives by himself on the outer limits of Heaven. I will call for him to come immediately.
narrator: "Oh Moses thank you so much"
Holy Spirit: "Yo Güey, you taken a "Jesus Is Coming, Look Busy" bumper sticker for you car vato?"
narrator: "This is perfect Mr. Spirit. The message is straight from Heaven, right? This is sound advice. Thank you both!"
Moses: "Now be on your way and be gone. Back to Earth with you!"
And at that, the narrator fell back to earth through a tunnel. Moses stepped aside to help the other dead people entering heaven. The Holy Spirit began fiddling with a soccer ball he had in his back pocket.
After about ten minutes, a man started coming out from the dark strangely lit hallways of heaven.
He was fittingly leaving a trail of pixie dust behind him as he bucked his way towards the pearly gates.
It wasn’t until he got right to the entrance that anyone watching could be sure who it was. Because when that cowboy hat finally was viewable in the lights leading to the gates, it was confirmed.
Could it be????
IS HE BACK????
THE COWBOY!!!!!!!!!????????? Does he ever really die? Is it really him?????
Any doubt that it was truly him was squashed when he let out his familar chuckle followed by a spoken monologue given in the third person:
"Muhahahaaha!!! YEHAW!!. The cowboy has a score to settle! I’m having fedora’s for breakfast tomorrow y’all. Giddy up! YEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWW bitches!"
And at that he jumped on a cloud taxi and headed straight for the a pimp stream near you. Nothing and no one associating with pimp is safe now people.
NOT EVEN YOU!
…to be continued.
Tagged: , pimp , pimpdisclosure , pimpexposure , the hat chronicles , season 3 episode 1 , cowboy , cowboy 2.0 , redding , sundial bridge , the actual location of this shot isn’t actually Heaven, it is the wonderfuly lit sundial bridge in Redding, California , night , heaven , moses , the holy spirit , god , jesus , lit , light , just wait till you see the cowboys new vest