Tonight I would have worn a new dress for you.
Tonight I would have made you fall for me all over again.
Tonight marks the night you flew out to LA just to have a date with me last year.
Tonight was supposed to celebrate how lucky we were to find each other again.
Tonight was supposed to be ours.
Im not sure if you even realize what tonight was.
How can it be so easy for you?
To walk into your office everyday and see The National poster I bought you hanging on the wall?
When you walk into your kitchen,
Do you get flashes of how you took me on your kitchen counter in the early evening?
And the meals we cooked/burned together?
Did you drink my favorite tea on your shelf or does it sit there and gather dust?
Or what about when the music magazine that I got you arrives every month? Do I cross your mind then?
And this fall when you bring out your gloves and scarf I got you
and wrap it around your neck where I used to wrap my arms around you
will you miss me pulling you in by it to kiss you?
Will the gloves hold your hands with the warmth that my hands did?
Will you heart hurt at all?
Did you throw away the mixes I made you?
and the paper cranes I left in your closet
and the toothbrush you got me in your bathroom
and the love notes I left on your dresser and desk?
What was it like to walk into your kitchen and take down the photo booth pictures we took where I kissed you in every third frame
Or the postcards I sent from every city when I was away from you and put on your fridge….are those in the trash as well?
At Christmas when you pull out the Christmas tree I set up and surprised you with and find the stockings we made each other,
will it hit you then no one has loved you like I did.
Do you listen to the postal service
or arcade fire
or blonde redhead
and not think of me?
Did you erase my number?
The love letters in your email?
My good night voice mails and the
sweet nothings I sent to your phone?
The pictures of us off your computer?
Does nothing cross your mind when you pass by the streets we pulled over and made love on?
Or when someone brings up a movie we saw together?
And the worst part…
When you kiss someone else do you get flashes of me?
How you held my face and how deep I kissed you.
does it feel right?
Late at night did you even notice that no ones calls or cares to say good night before you go to sleep.
The absence of knowing that someone is thinking of you.
When you look at your scar on your stomach, does it remind you of who took care of you around the clock and was there for you at your worst, without hesitation?
Do you ever think to yourself. At any of these moments. Wow I was happy. I loved her.
Do you ever regret what you said? And the decision you made without me?
I wish I could know all of these things. But I think I would be disappointed by the answer.
If I could have you grasp one thing it was that no one loved you the way the did. And that it was real. And that I was worth keeping.
and now I listen to the national on almost a daily basis
and I don’t listen to your mixes cause it makes my stomach turn
and I put away our pictures because it makes me tear up
and I tried to wear the dress you got me for someone else but it didn’t hold the same effect as when you buttoned the back for me and told me I was beautiful
and there are albums and bands I know you would love but i keep it to myself
and there are places and things that I wish you were there for but you don’t
and how I thought I had met my equal.
and how you all of a sudden decided I was nothing more than a passing fling that went too far.
and mostly, I wish I woke up feeling as happy as I did when I knew you loved me.
and how amazing it felt the way you looked at me in the eye and told me I was Your Girl.
I get jealous
that someone else gets to keep you
and have the version of you that I deserved
that you will look at them the way you looked at me when I lay my head in your lap in the summer Chicago night
that they, for some reason was worth your time and energy than I was
that they get to dance with you
and have your hand on their cheek when you kiss them good bye
Do you have any idea how many unsent letters I’ve written you? How many times it takes all my strength not to call you? How many nights you take over my dreams? That, I can not control…..
But I try to remember….That what I gave you was a gift. I gave you the best version of myself that I ever given to anyone. I would have loved you unconditionally. I gave it all. And you didn’t think it was good enough. So you don’t deserve to know a single word, breath, tear, thought, restless night….ANYTHING, from me.
But tonight. Tonight was ours. Please tell me you thought of me for a second.
Song of the Week: Stay Away Charli xcx
This song reminds of the late 80’s early 90’s pop ballads….but it just came out a few weeks back. It’s not available in the US yet, just the UK so I ended up hitting the play button on you tube quite a few times this week.
Tagged: , broken heart , note , fire , letter , break up , anniversary , 52 , weeks